


Logan's Diary

by MarsupialsOfMars



Series: Sanders Sides Diaries [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:01:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22990651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsupialsOfMars/pseuds/MarsupialsOfMars
Summary: A collection of eight excerpts from Logan's Emotion Journal experiment, curated for your viewing pleasure!
Series: Sanders Sides Diaries [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1614025
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	Logan's Diary

Age 12:  
Event: Patton suggested I begin journaling  
Emotion: Thoughtful  
Context: Patton has brought to my attention that I may be having trouble understanding my own emotions, and suggested i write my feelings in a diary. I assured him that he was being ridiculous, but it prompted in me the idea that as logic, I should have a full understanding of all topics, including emotion, in it's most technical sense. I will not be referring to this as a "diary", and I will not be speaking to it as if it were an individual, as it is a book and can not read or respond. Therefore, I will refer to it as my "Emotion Journal", as that is what it is. 

Age 14:  
Event: Puberty  
Emotion: Overwhelmed(?)  
Context: I'm so incredibly fed up with this. Nothing is as it should be, and nobody is willing to listen to reason. Each side has become unruly and chaotic in their own way. Most noticable is Anxiety, who has taken up a position of leadership in the mind. He has no place there. He makes extremely unhealthy decisions due to social pressures or personal worries which have begun to isolate Thomas or cause him to lose his sense of self. He doesn't seem to like the position, but it seems he's been forced into it anyway as his influence has built due to the dreaded neural changes of adolescence. Thomas has begun to wear very dark clothing. However bad all of that is for Thomas, the most unbearable change effecting me personally as a resident of this mind has been Remus. He is absolutely unbearable. Every word or movement he makes causes immense discomfort not only to me but to anyone nearby. Patton has been overly emotional, either crying or unable to sit still, occurring minutes apart from each other in violent mood swings. Roman has been working overtime, attempting to help Thomas through escapism. He creates stories and drawings which distract Thomas from his troubles, but these are momentary fixes, and will become unhealthy if continuous.   
Overall, it has been, for lack of a better or more accurate synonym, a clusterfuck, and I'm counting the days until it's over.

Age 15:   
Event: Thomas has been questioning his sexuality  
Emotion: Annoyed  
Context: I don't understand Patton and Roman's persistence in making everything so needlessly complicated. There are many physically attractive girls and yet they decide that they would rather be difficult about it. I don't understand them sometimes. They seem apologetic, but when one is sorry the appropriate action to follow would be to cease one's poor behavior. I've decided to cut contact with both of them for the time being as my feelings toward them at the moment make me prone to irrationalities. I'm always partial to curiosity but high school is already giving me a lot to think about and I don't appreciate having to factor in such a development. I will make the decision to ignore it for now. Perhaps it will eventually cease to be an issue.

Age 18:   
Event: Thomas is a legal adult  
Emotion: Elated   
Context: Thomas turned 18 today, which means as of now he is legally allowed control of his own person in nearly every sense. I've been preparing for this my whole life, and I have a clear view of the many paths we could take from this point onward. Thomas has always been proficient in chemistry, therefore I believe a major in the scientific field would be appropriate. I can hardly contain my excitement. However, Anxiety has been making this transition quite difficult. He keeps insisting that we have no idea what comes next and are entirely unprepared, and somehow this sentiment is drowning out my attempts to guide Thomas. He can be incredibly frustrating to manage, and he's been more and more active as of late. But no matter how much he tries, he will not succede in putting a damper on my good mood.

Age: 25  
Event: Thomas insists on continuing to make "Vines"  
Emotion: Confused  
Context: I will never cease to be entirely bewildered by Thomas's desire to "act", particularly in such small, insignificant, and comical portions. I can somewhat understand his drive for theater, as it is professionally directed and offers a feeling of purpose as well as a decent amount of enrichment both socially and cognitively.  
However, these six second looping goofs are of no gain whatsoever. They don't promote social interaction, they don't fill any free time, and there is no true talent involved. Somehow, Roman is enjoying them nearly as much as he appears to enjoy acting onstage. Patton is also quite active lately. I will never truly grasp the appeal of this thespian characteristic of Thomas. Most of his Vines make no logical sense, and are unabashedly ridiculous. He is making a fool of himself. But I do like to see him happy, so I've decided to let this slide, as a benefit to his mental health. However insufferable his Vines, he is always smiling as he makes them, and that is always paramount.

Age 28:  
Event: Virgil revealed his name to us  
Emotion: Proud  
Context: As of late, Anxiety has grown more and more tolerable, and seems to be settling in as one of the light sides. He has been making some real rational arguments, and even when he doesn't succeed, one can tell he is putting effort in, rather than reverting to his usual feigned apathy. It was made clear to me when he changed his jacket. In accepting his color more openly, which he had previously seemed to feel ashamed of, he showed trust and a feeling of belonging. This trust was made even more clear just today, when he revealed his name, Virgil. I feel as if this reveal marks a success in his social progress. There will always be a probability of relapse, but at this moment in time, I pride myself on having put my trust and belief in him. He is quite intelligent when not panicking, and provides a comforting relief from the exuberance of the other two. 

Age 30:  
Event: I'm nothing but a joke to them  
Emotion: Furious  
Context: This is why I don't often let my guard down. I trusted them to understand who I am and how I want to be treated, so I presented some of my guilty pleasures: Crofters, singing, poetry, onesies, and the occasional dad joke. I of course took precautions to not overindulge in such nonsense, but I assumed I could allow myself some comfort around who I assumed were my friends. However. They continuously pick at my flaws, they tease me relentlessly for every mistake. To them it's all in good fun, it's some awful game. To me it's not. I feel even more trapped in my outward presentation than before, and they don't seem to notice. It's not my job to tell them how I feel. I manage objective intelligence, they are emotional intelligence. It's their job to understand what I feel for me, they should know what would upset their friend. They know I'm vulnerable, they have to, and they continue to drag me into their silly hijinks and refuse me my objective purpose if I do not conform entirely to it. We have become a joke, we are getting nowhere with this career, we are only plummeting further into the role of some commercialized funnyman, a one dimensional character, and this is what Roman desires that we become. I won't allow it. I need to become who I should be, I cannot allow any further divergence.

Age 30:  
Event: Thomas called me "cool"  
Emotion: Validated  
Context: After helping Thomas manage his introduction to Remus, we had a moment that I can only describe as heartfelt. He called me "cool", something i never really strived to be, but feels wonderful to be described as. Whether or not I am "cool" in an objective sense, what I truly gained from this interaction was appreciation, admiration, respect, and I believe that that is what resonated with me. I always aim to help Thomas, as a side should, and the purest way the favor can be returned is with simple validation. I feel I have an opportunity to employ an expression I've come to enjoy: "on cloud nine". I feel as if I am on cloud nine. That is the best way to describe this feeling. As much as Remus proves himself a nuisance, I have him to thank for providing the grounds for this event to take place. I have reached a balance of who I am and who I want to be, both comfortable and respected. Of course, Thomas doesn't need to be gushed to, and I'm not one for gushing. Therefore, I will now resume my duties as his cool teacher.


End file.
